cw: SA, rape, victim blaming
Men ask me to cite my sources
but trauma doesn’t really come with sources
what do you want me to say
please refer to file B
11th of July 2020
it was a Thursday
& the police didn’t come
& L called it ‘girl drama’
& that he’s been friends with my
abuser longer than me so
if he were to take sides
which he won’t of course
but if he did, well
it won’t be on mine
Or do I refer you to the next instalment
when the boy I dated as a trauma response
raped me, then told me it was my fault
I could try get a quote from him but
he’s on meth now so it might be tricky
though you could reference the facebook post
where he defended his rape of me
in detail
to all our mutual friends
& what about when the drummer said
you kinda asked for him posting that on facebook
cos you wrote a poem & posted it on facebook
as if a poem about being raped &
a defence of said rape are the same thing
as if it’s ok for a man to say well, shit
you should’ve just stayed silent you
outspoken poet you
with your sin of discomforting men on the internet
is that a source enough for you!
or does it not count
because you weren’t there
you didn’t hear it
it was CubaDupa 2021 for the record
& it ruined my whole weekend
Or do I pull out the dms
that said misogyny is a harsh & serious accusation!
& I’ve only heard it from you
& you had a crush on ALL the boys in this band so
hmmmmm
as if me having a crush on (one) boy in this band
had anything to do with them being
friends with my rapist
& letting him swan around backstage at their gig
with his big fat rapist mouth
eating me alive in my paralysis
like a spider only uglier
what about August 2021
Brooklyn Village
when another drummer didn’t take
no for an answer
then all his friends said
I was the predator
& gave me death stares
on the San Fran balcony
if I cited my sources
would you take them as true
or make up a fake one
to self-protect your own clique
is it clicking yet?
what evidence
do I have
but the bruises that faded
three years ago
what evidence
do I have
but the photographs
of the word WH0RE in my bedroom
what evidence
do I have
but your fear
telling
on
yourself
the police didn’t care
so why should I file a report for you
you weren’t even there
so why should I relive it all in detail
just so you can wonder
if it really did happen
if it really was bad enough
to call someone a
‘thinly-veiled misogynist’
I didn’t even name them
but would that help?
or would it just enrage you.
Devon Webb is a 25-year-old writer & editor based in Aotearoa New Zealand. Her work has been widely published worldwide & revolves around themes of femininity, vulnerability, anti-capitalism & neurodivergence. She is an in-house writer for Erato Magazine, an editor for Prismatica Press & is currently working on the final edits of her debut novel. She can be found on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok & Bluesky at @devonwebbnz.
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