i know i promised you that i’d
love you forever but baby i think i’m
stuck on the notion of how i’m going
to remember you longer than i’ve
loved you. it goes like this, you
call me again, on the phone & i promise
that i haven’t been taking tylenol
again. i’m thinking of kissing
the boy on the phone i’m thinking
about being a boy i’m thinking that
maybe growth & change are just
words that mean “i don’t have you
anymore & i don’t think i’ll ever
know how to live my life without
you.”
so maybe i’m the villain here, baby,
i know what this looks like. under
fluorescent streetlights & bright
red skies, i know you’re staring at
the girlboy i’m becoming & thinking about
how i couldn’t grow (change) enough for
this to be enough. i’m a broken record &
you’re a broken heart about promises
that i’m going to change & you’re
going to be here forever. i know we’re
desperately holding on, in as many
languages as we can. sonya, tujhavara
prem aahe maala. i know too many
languages, baby, and i don’t know how
to love you in enough of them.
so just. entertain the idea that
growth & change are lies we
tell ourselves to become better
people because i said i’d end my
life cycle with you
birth death birth death birth death
(somewhere in between it’s about how i’d never leave you.
somewhere in between it becomes romance)
& tell me. am i going to be a chrysalis forever?
am i going to be your pretty little
butterfly? representative of all that you
wanted but couldn’t have? are you going
to keep me to be this little
lifecycle replica of what love is
(birth. death. repeat.)
(verse. chorus. repeat.)
i’m sorry baby, we know how the world works.
we know how life works. we know what it
means to change & i know i’d grow & change
if it meant you’d stay & if it meant you’d
be mine or baby.
(birth. death. repeat.)
the world is no longer mysterious
(we know how it works now)
arushi (aera) rege is a queer, chronically in pain, Indian-American poet who simultaneously attends junior year in high school. They tweet occasionally @academic_core and face the perils of instagram @aeranem_26. Their works have been published in Gastropoda Lit, Full House Literary Magazine, fifth wheel press, and more. Their debut chapbook, BROWN GIRL EPIPHANY, is forthcoming with fifth wheel press. You can find their website at arushiaerarege.carrd.co.